This is going to be one of those random posts that is the product of a weird mood and an over analytical mind; so bare with me, if you so happen to choose.

I don't know how much more random this can get, but I was walking through K-Mart today with mum and for some reason I found myself thinking "what exactly is it that has made me who am I and, if it were possible to go back in time and change certain things, would I still end up being 'me'?" The fact that this whole train of thought began whilst walking through the aisles of K-Mart is surprisingly not the most random part. The random part, and somewhat confusing and difficult part to explain, is that I don't mean 'me' in regards to my values and interests and personality; I mean 'me' as in 'Jyssica-the-human-being'.. Confused yet?

The only way I can think to describe it is through hypothetical situations. Obviously if you were to take either one of my parents out of the equation at my time of conception I would be a different person entirely. However, if time travel were to someday be invented, would replacing one of my parents with someone else be the only factor in changing 'me'? Don't get me wrong, my point here is not that I wish to change who my parents are! My point is what were the contributing factors in my creation? For one moment just ignore that fact that we are all products of our parents and all that DNA and ancestry stuff.

For example; say that rather than being born on my birthday I was born 2 weeks before or 2 weeks after. Would that have had any effect on my being? Perhaps being born even just a few minutes or seconds before or after my actual time of birth, would that have an impact on 'me' now? Or maybe it has nothing to do with the length of my mum's pregnancy. I am my parents first born child, but what if my parents conceived their first child at a different time and that child wasn't born on my birthday? Would that child still have been me? I have two younger brothers; one is 2.5 years younger than me, the other is 5 years younger. Like I said, I am my parents first born child. But what if my parents started having children later and my mum gave birth to her first child when my first younger brother was born, essentially making my mum’s second child her first? Would that have had an effect on things? Would 'that' first born child still have been me? Or would it have been my brother, and life would carry on as we know it to be now in this present time, with the only exception being it would have been like I never existed? Or perhaps 'that' first born would have been neither me nor my brother but instead someone else entirely.

And if that thought alone wasn't weird enough, it got me thinking "what if that really is all it took for me to not exist? What if a few minutes difference in my time of birth is the only thing that separates me from being here on earth or potentially a completely different person being here on earth?" Just to make this whole entire scenario climb up the crazy scale another notch, I began to feel bad for that 'potential human being'. I started to feel as if I had stolen 'their' life away from them. Why should I get to live when someone else could be here on earth right now who would appreciate life more than what I do? Then, just to send this train of thought off into the category of 'in need of therapy', I suddenly felt somewhat angry. Towards whom I was angry at, I have no idea. It was to no one in particular. I was angry at whatever it was that is responsible for me being who I am. Perhaps I'm angry at fate, or perhaps 'God'? It doesn't really matter what it was that I was angry at because it was/is just some crazy and irrational sense of anger that came over me. Nevertheless, regardless of how crazy and irrational it is, all that matters is the fact that I felt angry because I am here. How is it fair that I get to live when, perhaps if things had happened differently, someone else could be in my place right now? How is it fair that I get to live when I'd willingly exchange my life for having never existed? It's just crazy and completely insane! Fact; I sometimes wish I never came into existance.

If you actually made it through to this point here, then I think a congratulations is in order. Furthermore, if you reached the end and actually understood what the hell I was on about, then you deserve a standing ovation!

Now I'm just going to leave this here before I give anyone anymore reason to have me committed.

I’d love to be able to just sleep right now, but my brain doesn’t seem to want any of that.

I feel like I just have to get this off my chest before it drives me insane, this weird sense of confusion or whatever. It’s been nagging at me for so long now. For longer than I care to remember. I just don’t know if I can properly explain it when I can hardly understand it myself. I’m just your average person, you know; nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary. I go through the same old shit as the next person. And it’s like, when I’m happy and in a good place, I try hold onto that as much as I can because when I get down, it’s really not good. Not to mention I have no idea how long either mood will last for. And it’s annoying because the switch between the two emotional places can happen so quickly that I’m not even aware of the change. It’s quite unnerving. I just wish sometimes that I could make it go away. Take something to make it go away. Do something to make it go away. But, I can’t. Because that would mean actually focusing on whatever it is and facing it. It’s so much easier to pretend that something doesn’t exist when you keep it to yourself. When you hold onto something private you can convince yourself it’s just a nightmare and that it will go away. But once you let other people in, it becomes real. So instead I lie to everyone. I lie to my friends and I lie to my family; I lie to myself. I make myself believe that it’s nothing but all in my head. I don’t lie because I want to keep a truth hidden. I lie because I don’t want it to be real. And it’s not even a deliberate lie because on the surface I have truly convinced myself it’s nothing. It amazes me how I’m so able to deceive myself. It’s only when I stop to really think about these things and analyse it that I realise what I’m really doing; putting up this facade and telling myself that it’s nothing more than some nightmare I’ll wake up from.

Ugh, and that’s pretty much all I can get out of my system right now… a whole bunch of nonsensical bullshit.

You ever get that feeling when everything in life just seems to be working out for you? When one moment you're on the edge and then the next you feel safe, like the pieces have finally come together in your favour? That despite all that might be working against you, the things that you hope for the most are finally happening? It's an amazing feeling. It replaces helplessness and anxiety. When you experience that feeling, make sure to hold on to it because you never know how long it may last.

It's not a matter of luck, it's just a matter of time

While laying here in bed, waiting for sleep to grace me with its presence, I can't help but let my mind wander. And the current thought that's weaving it's way through the labyrinth that is my mind; fate. Whatever you may call it or whatever you believe in, whether it be fate, destiny, coincidences or free will, there are those moments in our lives where we doubt our own beliefs and open ourselves up to the possibility of different views.
Now, I've given this subject of free will vs. fate a lot of thought, and I've never been able to come to a definite conclusion. However, the more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards believing in fate. I'm a firm believer in the notion that "everything happens for a reason", so it would only make sense for me to believe in fate, right?

Well, I have a story to tell you. The events of this story, while taking place in a slightly intoxicated state, truly freaked me out.. (even when I was sober)!
It was Monday November 15, 2010 and I had sat my very last VCE exam earlier that day. As a celebration of the end of exams I had a group of friends around for pizza and drinks. Being the responsible young adults that we are, we had some people who had to drive who were not drinking. Emily was one of those sober people. Kaitlyn was also another, however she wasn't going to turn up until later on in the night. Rach on the other hand was not one of the non-drinkers. So, when it came time for Rach to go to Bonnie's house (who lives around the corner and down the road; a 5min drive but a 30min walk. Rach was getting picked up from Bonnie's house cos it was easier for Rach's mum to go to a familiar house) I said that rather than Rach walking (which she wanted to do) it would be safer for Emily to drive Rach to Bonnie's and, seeing as how Emily didn't know the area well, I should go too as the navigator. So it was decided; Emily and I would leave to take Rach to Bonnie's. On the way to Bonnie's place though I told Emily to take a right turn onto the road that would take us past my old house (which is also a 5min drive from my current house and literally down the road from Bonnie's). It was a split decision for me to tell Emily to turn right and, seeing as we had some time before Rach's mum would arrive, Emily followed my directions. We turned into my old court and, being the slightly drunk person that I was, I excitedly told Rach and Emily about all the houses in my old court as we passed them, until we got to my old house at the end of the court. There was a car parked outside my old house, but I thought nothing of it; I was too wrapped up in telling my random stories. That was until Emily said "hey, isn't that Kaitlyn?". That's when I looked at the car parked out front my old house and realised it was Kaitlyn. She obviously hadn't noticed it was us in the car because she started her car and began to drive off. I told Emily to hurry up and follow Kaitlyn and, again in my slightly drunk state, I opened the passenger door while we were still moving and ran after Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn then stopped and pulled over. I went to her car, she wound down the window and, naturally, she was surprised to see me. She said "Jys, what are you doing here?" to which I replied "I came to visit my old house! What are you doing here?!". Kaitlyn just looked at me and said "I thought this is where you lived.. Number **, ********* Court?" By this time I was in almost in hysterics! I looked at Kaitlyn and I said "Kaitlyn, this is my old house. I haven't lived here for 3 years. You've never been to this house and I've never had reason to give you this address.." Kaitlyn, however, could have sworn that the house she was parked out front of was my house! I told Kaitlyn where we were off to and that she should just follow us until we get back to my house.
So that's what we did. Emily and I dropped Rach off at Bonnie's house with Kaitlyn following behind us. We made it back to my house where the three of us rejoined the party. Kaitlyn made it to my current residential address and we had a good time! However, it really shook me how that whole event panned out! I mean, what are the chances that I would make a last minute decision to tell Emily to turn right? What are the chances that Kaitlyn would go to my old house? What are the chances that we would actually find Kaitlyn at my old house? Had I not told Emily to turn, we wouldn't have gone to my old house and we wouldn't have found Kaitlyn! It may sound silly, but just think about it; what are the chances of that happening?! What if it hadn't have been me who went with Emily to give directions? Bonnie easily could have gone with the girls as she also lives in the area. If that had been the case then she definitely wouldn't've made the turn. I was the only one who could have gone and possibly made that decision. And what even made me decide to take the girls to my old house in the first place?
After that incident, and given the eerie conversation topic I'd been discussing with Rach and Bonnie earlier in the night, I was genuinely spooked a little by what happened and it really cemented my belief in things happening for a reason; in fate!

Maybe we're the children of a lesser God between Heaven and Hell

That moment in my life has arrived where I have finished school and it's time to move on to "bigger and better things". I couldn't wait to finish school; I hated it! And now it's time to end that chapter of my life, turn the page, and start on a new beginning. However, I don't know where to start. I have writers block, so to speak. How can I know where to begin when, in my eyes, this is the beginning of the end?
Everyone keeps asking me the same question; "what do you plan on doing now?". Well, I don't know how to answer that. My mind keeps constantly changing, my feelings towards certain ideas always wavering. I cannot give anyone a straight answer because the answer is: I don't know. All I know is that I'm taking a year off school to get my head straight. Yet when I tell people this I'm met with the same response: a simple "oh" and a certain look in peoples eyes. Even when I change things up and tell people I want to one day write, I am again faced with the same look. It's a look of disbelief and skepticism. It's as if people find it hard to fathom how I, Jyssica, don't know how I want to spend the rest of my life.
The one person from whom I cop this treatment from the most is my father. He's always on my back about getting a job. I've finished school now so I should have a job. Everyone else has a job and if I don't get one, he's not going to support me forever. I've heard that enough times now that I have a tendency to ignore him. It's not that I haven't thought about getting a job or anything, it's just that I'm not ready for it. To me it's so much more than simply earning money. If I get a job I will be essentially setting myself up for the beginning of the end. If I get a job now, I'll be working for the rest of my life. I have no time left to be a child. Those days are behind me now without anyone informing me that they'd left in the first place. I'm not ready for adulthood. I'm not ready for responsibility. I'm not ready to grow up and face the world.

Sometimes things happen in life that make you step back and reassess the world from a different perspective. When random and unpredictable events occur they take you completely off guard. During these times you can be left feeling angry, confused and unsettled. But sometimes it's amazing how clear things become amongst the tragedy. Suddenly what used to have you pondering away your time becomes blatantly obvious. You straight away priortise what's important to you and come to realise what it is you value most in your life. I find it incredible how people can set aside their differences when the time calls for it. The overwhelming love and support that people offer in times of need really proves that, despite everything that's wrong in the world, just below the surface is a society that will always come through for one another. And, if you think about it, it's a comforting thought to hold onto.

You would say anything and you would try anything to escape your meaningless and your insignificance...

At what point does searching for something with substance become just another wayward dream? How long must one aspire to such dreams before realising they might just be out of reach? People waste away their lives looking for something without ever really knowing what it is they're trying to find; does this equate to a life well spent? Perhaps it's simply easier to surrender ourselves to our own mundane existence and accept that fact that we're all just insignificant creatures in a world that is far beyond anything we could ever hope to understand. Waiting for our dreams to come to us is just as, if not more, senseless; time will eventually fade us away into nothingness without anything to show for the time spent. To be proactive about our lives is the key; however, how much dedication and motivation is required to get to where we want to be? Not only is the quantity difficult to measure, but simply acquiring the motive to begin with is a challenge within itself. There has to be a purpose to our existence here or why else would we even exist? The issue though is how we go about searching for ourselves and whether or not, in the end, it's even worth the trouble at all.

...and it's driving me mad.

...make your dreams come true.

First of all, I'd like to begin by saying how much I appreciate the feedback I got from my 30-ish Day Letter Challenge. I had people DMing me on Facebook and Twitter and it meant a lot to me. I had replies from people who were either touched by something I wrote or who were able to resonate with something I wrote. Either way, it made it all worthwhile. I never intended for anyone to actually read them, but the fact that so many people did, that just made it mean so much more.
In saying this, a further thank you is also necessary to all those people because without that feedback I don't think I'd've been able to finally make a decision as to where I want to head in the future. I've always had an interest in English and in writing, however I've never trusted in my "abilities" enough to take the chance and go for it. This little exercise originally just gave me an excuse to write again, but eventually it became something that allowed me to explore the different aspects of my own being that I had either forgotten about or supressed. Therefore, the feedback I received gave me a little bit of confidence and made me think, "hey, maybe you don't suck that much afterall..?"
So now I have finally decided what I want to do at University, a decision that has been nagging at me for years now! .. as well as a question that everyone else has been nagging me about too. I've decided I'd like to try for a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English, and perhaps minoring in Japanese.. Well, so far that's the idea in my mind. I figured it's something that I've always wanted to do but just been too afraid to go after. And now, with the help of a few people and inspirations, I thought, "sod it! Time to stop being so afraid of nothing! I always have the option of changing my mind later if I dislike it, so there's no reason to not at least try for something I love". And so, that is currently where I am at :)
This was rather pointless, but I felt I should share a word of thanks to those people who deserve it.. they all know who they are :)

best, you've got to be the best. you've got to change the world and use this chance to be heard. your time is now!

Let's conspire to reignite all the souls that would die just to feel alive

It is currently 1.11am on Friday 16th April. I really should be in bed asleep seeing as how I need to get up in approx. 5.5hrs to go to school.. but I can't sleep.. I've been going to bed at around 2-3am all week. Not good. I'm functioning on no sleep. I wonder how long this will last..?

So what is on my mind right now? Well, to be honest, I'm a little bit worried about this weekend.. I'm staying at Grandma's house on Saturday night with mum. This will be the first time I've stayed there since Grandpa passed away. Usually everything is okay and I tend to not even think about these things, but seeing as how something has triggered it, my mind won't shut up. I keep thinking about how weird it will be to not have him there; to not see him already sitting at the breakfast table as I stumble out of my room in the morning; to not be asked for advice on how to use the internet; to not see him walking around the house; to not have the chance to ever see him again. It's strange. And I don't like it. And like I said, I never even think about these things unless something prompts me. So, as it's not always on my mind, it's normal for me to still feel this way whenever I do think about it, right? Because I really miss him. I want to have that chance to see him again. And I can't.

Oh, I'm just rambling now. I'm going to listen to some Muse.. they tend to be my life support at the moment.

"And tonight we can truly say together we're invincible"

EDIT: Without realising it, I posted this entry with the same heading as my last post. So I will be changing the heading.