This is going to be one of those random posts that is the product of a weird mood and an over analytical mind; so bare with me, if you so happen to choose.
I don't know how much more random this can get, but I was walking through K-Mart today with mum and for some reason I found myself thinking "what exactly is it that has made me who am I and, if it were possible to go back in time and change certain things, would I still end up being 'me'?" The fact that this whole train of thought began whilst walking through the aisles of K-Mart is surprisingly not the most random part. The random part, and somewhat confusing and difficult part to explain, is that I don't mean 'me' in regards to my values and interests and personality; I mean 'me' as in 'Jyssica-the-human-being'.. Confused yet?
The only way I can think to describe it is through hypothetical situations. Obviously if you were to take either one of my parents out of the equation at my time of conception I would be a different person entirely. However, if time travel were to someday be invented, would replacing one of my parents with someone else be the only factor in changing 'me'? Don't get me wrong, my point here is not that I wish to change who my parents are! My point is what were the contributing factors in my creation? For one moment just ignore that fact that we are all products of our parents and all that DNA and ancestry stuff.
For example; say that rather than being born on my birthday I was born 2 weeks before or 2 weeks after. Would that have had any effect on my being? Perhaps being born even just a few minutes or seconds before or after my actual time of birth, would that have an impact on 'me' now? Or maybe it has nothing to do with the length of my mum's pregnancy. I am my parents first born child, but what if my parents conceived their first child at a different time and that child wasn't born on my birthday? Would that child still have been me? I have two younger brothers; one is 2.5 years younger than me, the other is 5 years younger. Like I said, I am my parents first born child. But what if my parents started having children later and my mum gave birth to her first child when my first younger brother was born, essentially making my mum’s second child her first? Would that have had an effect on things? Would 'that' first born child still have been me? Or would it have been my brother, and life would carry on as we know it to be now in this present time, with the only exception being it would have been like I never existed? Or perhaps 'that' first born would have been neither me nor my brother but instead someone else entirely.
And if that thought alone wasn't weird enough, it got me thinking "what if that really is all it took for me to not exist? What if a few minutes difference in my time of birth is the only thing that separates me from being here on earth or potentially a completely different person being here on earth?" Just to make this whole entire scenario climb up the crazy scale another notch, I began to feel bad for that 'potential human being'. I started to feel as if I had stolen 'their' life away from them. Why should I get to live when someone else could be here on earth right now who would appreciate life more than what I do? Then, just to send this train of thought off into the category of 'in need of therapy', I suddenly felt somewhat angry. Towards whom I was angry at, I have no idea. It was to no one in particular. I was angry at whatever it was that is responsible for me being who I am. Perhaps I'm angry at fate, or perhaps 'God'? It doesn't really matter what it was that I was angry at because it was/is just some crazy and irrational sense of anger that came over me. Nevertheless, regardless of how crazy and irrational it is, all that matters is the fact that I felt angry because I am here. How is it fair that I get to live when, perhaps if things had happened differently, someone else could be in my place right now? How is it fair that I get to live when I'd willingly exchange my life for having never existed? It's just crazy and completely insane! Fact; I sometimes wish I never came into existance.
If you actually made it through to this point here, then I think a congratulations is in order. Furthermore, if you reached the end and actually understood what the hell I was on about, then you deserve a standing ovation!
Now I'm just going to leave this here before I give anyone anymore reason to have me committed.
