Day Seven - The Person You Hate/Caused You The Most Pain

Dear the person who's caused me the most pain,

Hate is a very strong word and I don't use it lightly. Yes, I admit that I throw it around quite a bit, but I don't actually hate anyone - I just use it to vent my frustration with someone/something. And, in all honesty, I don't hate you either. However, you are the person who has caused me the most pain; and you know what, you have no idea. A lot of people may think that I'm just being completely melodramatic and building this evil portrait of you in my mind, but I can't help it; that's just how I see you. My entire life, up until the point where I finally gave in, had been all about the sport. I had no social life or anything, except for the one that I had at swimming. So of course anything that happened there was going to have a huge impact on me. In a way though, I have a feeling that the reason I feel so much animosity towards you is because I'm looking for someone to blame for everything; someone to blame for who I've become. You were my mentor at a very impressionable age and, in my opinion, you destroyed me.
What gets me though is that it could have gone so many different ways. I'm not one to care about what people think of me; if someone hates me or dislikes something about me, then good for them - I'm not gonna change for them. I don't seek to please other people. However, in saying that, there is one "type" of person who I look up to, who I want to gain respect from, who I want to be proud of me. That "type" of person is one who is in a position of authority. I suppose not necessarily authority as such, but someone who is usually in a higher social position and who I respect and idolise. If I have a deep respect for someone, then I'd hope that I can be all that person wants me to be and make them proud of me. You used to fall under this category; and unfortunately, to this day, I think you still do.
We never used to have an issue with each other. I used to work hard, dedicate myself to my passion, and I enjoyed it; it was my life! I didn't mind the 2.5hour long sessions, eight times a week, including two 5:15am morning sessions! To me all this hard word and effort meant something. I was working hard at something that I loved to do - and really, how much more can you ask for than that. But then something changed; I plateaued. Maybe you just wanted the best for me, or perhaps you were asking more from me than I could give. I'll never know the answer to that. Nevertheless, your attitude towards me changed. In your eyes I went from being hardworking to someone who had given up. And you know, maybe you were right. Maybe I did give up. Actually, there's no maybe about it; I did give up.. because of you. You transformed something I loved into something that I despised. Even now, three years later, I hate it! I would/could never go back to it. You took away a part of my life that once meant the world to me.
It was gradual, your change in attitude towards me. In the beginning you tried to work with me, to help me through this phase, but eventually your patience ran out. You would still work with me, but only because it was your job and it's what you were paid to do. If ever you were trying to teach me something and I was having a hard time grasping the new technique, the patience that you once had with me disappeared; you gave up on me a lot more easily. And, naturally, I gradually started to lose interest.
It got to the point where I didn't want to be there anymore. Something that I had once loved to no end and actually enjoyed doing had become a tedious chore that I felt obligated to do. And, given that this is the mind frame I was in, how could either of us expect me to do well. I remember one particular competition clearly - I don't remember what it was for, but I remember the events of the day very clearly. We were at MSAC in the outdoor pool and I was in the 200m backstroke; it was my event! You told me to go out as hard as possible in the first 50m split, and then come back for the remaining 150m with whatever I had left in me. So, I did just that. I went out as hard as I could and, as it turned out, I split in record timing (record timing for me anyway..). I hit the wall for that first 50m in first position. However, I had quite literally given it all that I had and I found myself with nothing left to give. That didn't mean I was going to give up though. I pushed myself as hard as I could, but my body thought otherwise. I eventually was having difficulty breathing, but I still pushed on, determined to at least finish the race. I'm not 100% sure, but I think I finished my heat second last.. After each event we have to do a warm down in the indoor pool, so I did just that. I was still having difficulty breathing, so I did an extra long warm down to try and calm myself down. Eventually when I thought I was okay, I came to see you for the post-race talk. By this stage in our coach/swimmer relationship, you intimidated me. When I saw you sitting there in the stands, I felt my heart rate pick up immediately. I knew that I had fucked up my race and I didn't need to hear it from you. I walked over to you and you just looked at me and said "I don't want to see you right now. Sit down, calm down, and I might speak to you later on". I went to my seat, sat down, and I panicked. I was shaking uncontrollably, my knees were bouncing, and I couldn't stop. I had no awareness of my surroundings at all. Everything became a blur. I was faintly aware of people around me asking if I was okay, but I just couldn't speak. I remember that somehow I ended up from my seat in the stands to sitting on the floor out in the corridor. There was a group of people around me, until the area was cleared by MSAC staff and I was taken into the first aid room. I remember being hooked up to an oxygen tank and spending quite some time in the room with my mum and with a friend of mine. I had about two races left that day. When I was feeling better, I went back to the stands. I remember you came out, took me into the corridor, and wanted to have a chat with me. You told me that I didn't have to do the rest of my swims and that I could go home and rest for the afternoon; you also said that I wasn't required at training until I was feeling okay. But the one thing that I remember ever so clearly is you telling me I was "an emotional wreck" who "needed help". I don't think I'll ever forget that. You then gave my mum the number of a psychologist and insisted that I see her. You brought up the fact that this wasn't the first time that I had had a panic attack and you strongly recommended that I see this psychologist. Little did you know that the panic attacks were caused by you, not swimming.
So, I did what you said. I went and I saw this lady. And she was great. It wasn't the typical cliche thing you see in movies. Well, I suppose it was in a way. She sat on one chair, taking notes, while I sat on another one, telling all my problems. Anyway, initially she did wonders. I turned up to training a whole new person. I was regaining motivation and I was putting in the effort. I just took it one training session at a time. And you could see the change in my attitude and you fed off of that. However, as time passed between psych sessions, I felt my motivation slip. Not because I was giving up, but because I once again felt that you were giving up on me! During another psych session I remember being asked if I minded if she rang you to discuss what we talked about in our sessions. She said that she would only tell you things that I was comfortable letting her tell you. And I figured why not. I wanted you to know these things, I just didn't want to be the one to have to face you. And this worked well for a while. But it never lasted. I guess you took on board the things she was telling you, but it never seemed to make a lasting impression. I guess old habits die hard. Another training session that I will never forget was one of those 5:15am morning sessions. By this time I had dropped down from the national squad into the state squad because I could no longer handle the pressure. However, you said that I could still join in with the national squad when they did the gym and dryland activities in the morning. So, when the time came to head over to the gym after our swim, I got out of the pool and went to get into my gym gear. Then, as I'm getting changed, I hear someone calling my name. I come out, still in my bathers, and I'm told that you wanted me back in the pool. Confused, but not wanting to get in trouble, I went out of the change rooms and got back in the pool. After training when I was getting ready for school, a friend of mine who was in the state squad said to me "did you hear what he said about you?" I had no idea what she was talking about, so I told her to tell me. Turns out while I was in the change rooms, getting ready for the gym, you turned to everyone in the state squad and said something along the lines of - I wasn't up to national level, that I'd never get anywhere, that I'd never make it, I didn't have what it took, that I didn't try and that I had a "bad attitude". When I found out that that's what you had said, I broke down. Not long after that, one Friday night training session, you were again telling me off for something that I had done wrong. I had tears in my eyes that you evidently could see because you said to me "don't think that crying is going to help the situation". After that training session I again broke down. Unfortunately, this wasn't in the privacy of a few of my female friends in the privacy of a change room; this was in public in front everyone. The thing is though, while people were coming over to me and my best friends were comforting me, you did nothing. My mum came down from the cafe, I got dressed and we went home. But not before mum had to pull over on the side of the road because I had broken down again.
I had had enough. I didn't want to be the person who couldn't get through a session without crying or having some kind of break down or panic attack. But, I didn't want to quit. I had no real friends outside of swimming. Swimming was all that I had in my life, and you were ruining it for me. But I just couldn't go on anymore. Friday the 8th of June, 2007; that is the night that I finally found the courage to approach you and tell you that I quit. My exact words to you were "I thought I'd let you know that I've been thinking about it for a while now and I've actually decided to stop swimming. Next week will be my last week, so next Saturday will be my last session". (I remember this because 1. I have it written in my diary and 2. because I rehearsed what I was going to say like crazy!) You were quite calm about it and rather nice and just said "oh, that's a shame".
The hardest part was actually telling my best friend that I had quit. I didn't tell her that night; I chickened out. I did however tell her the next night on Saturday. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do.
But, I felt liberated. Like I had finally let go of something that was holding me back. For the first few months after I quit I was beside myself with joy! I was so proud of myself!! I did actually go back to swimming for a while with a different club, one that I used to swim with from the age of 3-10. But, I ended up quitting there too. I just could not commit myself to it anymore, not like I once had. And I was okay with that. I figured I'd have more time for friends, for a social life. But that never happened. Everyone at school already had their friendship groups and I didn't really belong. The only friends I really had were the ones from swimming but, as I soon realised, the only opportunity to see them was at swimming. And as I wasn't swimming anymore, I never saw them. Not only that, but my connection with them had been broken. The bond that everyone had at swimming was unbelievable. Everynight you pour your heart and soul into something that you're all equally passionate about. You shed tears together, share laughter together; everything! But when you find ourself an outsider from all of that, that connection is broken. Not only had I lost doing something I loved, but I also lost a group of people that I loved.
Honestly, there is so much more I could write to you. About the fact that I've always been a shy and self-conscious person and how you pushed me to the limits and how gradually you made me feel worthless and pathetic. How you took away something that meant so much to me and that I only now know I took for granted. Without swimming in my life, I became a different person. Every single insecurity I had while swimming was magnified after I quit. The bliss that I felt after I left was only present for a short time until I realised the mistake that I had made in leaving. You made me doubt myself, question myself, hate myself! Three years on and you still mess with my head. I can't pass the pools anymore without wondering if you're there. I still look out for your car because I'm worried I'll run into you. Three years on and I still give a shit what you think. And the worst part is, I don't hate you. I believe you are an intelligent and talented man who knows exactly what they're on about; an intelligent, talented man who destroyed apart of me. Yet, I don't hate you. The consequences of me quitting and the things I've had to go through as a result, they're probably my fault. I can't help but wonder though if I had stuck with it would I still have made the same stupid decisions that haunt me to this day? I honestly don't think that I would have, and that is why I blame you; because you were the reason for me leaving.

-Jyssica.