Day Twenty - That Person You Want To Tell Everything To, But Are Too Afraid To

Dear that person I want to tell everything to,

I don't like to keep secrets; they make me feel like I'm betraying people. Even if it's something minor I'll still feel bad, as if I'm lying or something; it's very easy to make me feel bad about keeping a secret. That is, when it's my secret. I don't like that feeling of holding things back from the people that mean the most to me. If I'm told a secret in the confidence that I won't say a word, then you can hold me to that; I'm very good with other peoples privacy. It's only when there's something on my mind that I'll feel guilty about hiding things. However, it's a little bit silly, isn't it? I mean, we should all feel comfortable in keeping certain bits of information to ourselves if that's what we feel is necessary. Well, regardless, I still feel as if I should tell certain people everything, and that's why I feel bad for keeping some things from them; things that's I've done, things that I've been through, thoughts that I have, things that I do.
But, to those people that I keep things from, that doesn't mean I don't respect, love or trust you; it just means that I feel that some things are better left undiscussed. I mean, mostly everything is in the past, so there's really no need to bring it up again. And some things you just wouldn't understand. When I do open up to people, that takes a lot for me to do that. It's very hard for people to gain my absolute and complete trust, so if I do divulge certain information to you it is because I trust you with every ounce of my heart and my soul; and even then, it's unlikely that anyone will ever know every single thing about me. If you break that trust though, don't think that you will ever regain it. You might, but it really depends on how much you hurt me.
There are certain people that I wish I could tell everything to, but I don't see that happening. Like I said, this has nothing to do with trust, it's just that I feel more comfortable keeping some things to myself; it's got nothing to do with you personally. And sometimes I wish I could just come out and tell you everything, but I always change my mind. It's not so much about being afraid as it is about wanting to keep at least one bit of information to do with myself private and away from the minds of other people. By keeping little bits of information to myself, it makes me feel like I have some control over the situation; that everything I do in regards to this knowledge is influenced by nothing else but me; and I feel that it's important to have this sense of individual power sometimes, that you are the Master of your own fate and the Captain of your soul.

-Jyssica.