Let's conspire to reignite all the souls that would die just to feel alive

It is currently 1.11am on Friday 16th April. I really should be in bed asleep seeing as how I need to get up in approx. 5.5hrs to go to school.. but I can't sleep.. I've been going to bed at around 2-3am all week. Not good. I'm functioning on no sleep. I wonder how long this will last..?

So what is on my mind right now? Well, to be honest, I'm a little bit worried about this weekend.. I'm staying at Grandma's house on Saturday night with mum. This will be the first time I've stayed there since Grandpa passed away. Usually everything is okay and I tend to not even think about these things, but seeing as how something has triggered it, my mind won't shut up. I keep thinking about how weird it will be to not have him there; to not see him already sitting at the breakfast table as I stumble out of my room in the morning; to not be asked for advice on how to use the internet; to not see him walking around the house; to not have the chance to ever see him again. It's strange. And I don't like it. And like I said, I never even think about these things unless something prompts me. So, as it's not always on my mind, it's normal for me to still feel this way whenever I do think about it, right? Because I really miss him. I want to have that chance to see him again. And I can't.

Oh, I'm just rambling now. I'm going to listen to some Muse.. they tend to be my life support at the moment.

"And tonight we can truly say together we're invincible"

EDIT: Without realising it, I posted this entry with the same heading as my last post. So I will be changing the heading.

You've got to be the best, you've got to change the world and use this chance to be heard; Your time is now!

So how has 2010 been treating me? I must say, not very well. Within the space of 4 months, we had 3 deaths in the family.

December 21, 2009; My uncle Eddy.

January 24, 2010; Aunty Mary.

March 1, 2010; My Opa.

May they all rest in peace.

It's been a lot to handle. The circumstances surrounding my uncles death really threw me. It made me think, a lot! Got me thinking that I don't want to throw my life away, that when my time comes to leave this earth that I have something to leave behind. I want to be remembered and have a cause. And Mary, she's definitely in a better place now.

But my Opa, that was the hardest of them all. Two was more than enough, and everybody kept saying that bad things come in threes. Well, I guess they were right. He went into hospital, and mum and I visited him, and he didn't seem too bad. He was out of bed, sitting up, feeding himself. Everything was normal. He even walked us out of the room. But within a week everything went downhill. The last time I saw him, the 28th Feb, so much had changed. It was horrible. He was delusional, erratic, a completely different person. I'll never forget how he looked that day. But of course, I'll always remember him as the greatest grandpa ever! I'll never forget the walks we took along the Yarra River and across the bridge. We'd sometimes walk with Grandma, and I'd be in the middle, and they'd be like '1,2,3 swing!' and lift me, both holding one of my hands, swinging me off the ground. Or how when we'd walk, grandpa would always do this funny hop so that we'd be walking synchronised with the same feet at the same time. Or when we'd go to the park and collect acorns when we'd be about to leave, then on our way home we'd stop at the bridge and throw the acorns into the river. Or the bike rides we'd take into town. Or the park he'd take us to in Yarra Junction, the park with the spinny egg.

They're the memories that I'll always hold close to me. He may be gone, but his memory will live on forever in our hearts. RIP.

Amongst all the tragedy, year 12 has also creeped up. Although, that could almost be apart of the tragedy. I haven't been able to 'find my groove'. It hardly feels like I'm at school. Like, I know I'm there, I'm doing the work, but I'm not in a routine.. It's hard to explain. And now I'm on school holidays. Sorry, 'study break'. And that's just gonna make it harder to get into a routine when I didn't have one in the first place. I've never been so strongly against school in my life. Every year, it's always the same; I don't want to go to school. But I get over it and I move on. Except this year. I truly do not want to be there. I can't be bothered. And I'm so sick of hearing 'year 12 is the most important year. You have to study hard, put school first. Must be prepared. Think about your exams.. blah blah blah'. Seriously, the more 'motivational' speeches we're given, the less motivated I become. They all need to shut up and lay off the pressure a bit. I do not perform well when I have huge expectations on me. It doesn't help that I have no direction either. Everyone keeps telling me 'you better figure out what you wanna do, you can't leave it too late'. Or 'the reason for your lack of motivation is that you don't have direction'. Well, thank you for that amazing advice, as if I wasn't already aware of that. If I knew what I wanted to do, if I knew how to get motivated, then I'd do it! But, that's not the case. And everyones constant nagging is not helping.

Well, so far everything seems very doom and gloom. What's something good that's happened?.. I got my learners, finally! I've got 26hrs15min! haha! I have to have them for a minimum of one year, so I can't get my license until January 2011. But I don't mind, it's not like I really need to have my license now anyway. At least I'll have them when I've finished school and will need to drive places. :)

And I just have to mention Muse. I can't not say something. I'm obsessed at the moment. I've been listening to them for the past 4-5months. It's crazy. I haven't gone a day without listening to them! Their music is so inspirational and EPIC! Oh, I can't get enough at the moment. They give me butterflies in my stomach, they make me do crazy dances in my bed when I have headphones in, they make me clap and cheer at the end of a live performance on DVD. They're making me go nuts, lol. They've gotten me through so much so far! I love the message within their music. I love their randomness and quirkiness. I love their individuality. I love that they're such kind guys. I love that Matt loves conspiracy theories. I love that Dom wears a spiderman costume during concerts. I love that Chris is the quite one who can always settle a dispute between Matt and Dom! haha. Simply put, I LOVE them! Even as I write this, I'm listening to them! I have such a longing to see them live, it's unbelievable! So, next time they're in Australia, I'm definitely going! No one can stop me!

And I'm going to leave this here for now. I do have more to post, but I'll put that in a separate post afterwards. I don't want that information getting out on the Internet just yet :)