Monday, July 26, 2010

Day Twenty-One - Your Reflection In The Mirror

Dear my reflection in the mirror,

You know what, I originally had something else written for you and I've had it saved as a draft for days, but I've decided against using it. This will be the shortest letter I've written because there's nothing to say that you already don't know; if anything you know more about me than I do. I look at you and I see every mistake and every flaw. I look at you and you revolt me. Sometimes it's easy to look beyond the image you cast and sometimes it's not. Nothing is hidden from you; nothing gets past you. Sometimes I'm content and sometimes I want more from you. You confuse me and frustrate me and shock me and, sometimes, make me proud. Really, there is nothing more to say; you already know it.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day Twenty - That Person You Want To Tell Everything To, But Are Too Afraid To

Dear that person I want to tell everything to,

I don't like to keep secrets; they make me feel like I'm betraying people. Even if it's something minor I'll still feel bad, as if I'm lying or something; it's very easy to make me feel bad about keeping a secret. That is, when it's my secret. I don't like that feeling of holding things back from the people that mean the most to me. If I'm told a secret in the confidence that I won't say a word, then you can hold me to that; I'm very good with other peoples privacy. It's only when there's something on my mind that I'll feel guilty about hiding things. However, it's a little bit silly, isn't it? I mean, we should all feel comfortable in keeping certain bits of information to ourselves if that's what we feel is necessary. Well, regardless, I still feel as if I should tell certain people everything, and that's why I feel bad for keeping some things from them; things that's I've done, things that I've been through, thoughts that I have, things that I do.
But, to those people that I keep things from, that doesn't mean I don't respect, love or trust you; it just means that I feel that some things are better left undiscussed. I mean, mostly everything is in the past, so there's really no need to bring it up again. And some things you just wouldn't understand. When I do open up to people, that takes a lot for me to do that. It's very hard for people to gain my absolute and complete trust, so if I do divulge certain information to you it is because I trust you with every ounce of my heart and my soul; and even then, it's unlikely that anyone will ever know every single thing about me. If you break that trust though, don't think that you will ever regain it. You might, but it really depends on how much you hurt me.
There are certain people that I wish I could tell everything to, but I don't see that happening. Like I said, this has nothing to do with trust, it's just that I feel more comfortable keeping some things to myself; it's got nothing to do with you personally. And sometimes I wish I could just come out and tell you everything, but I always change my mind. It's not so much about being afraid as it is about wanting to keep at least one bit of information to do with myself private and away from the minds of other people. By keeping little bits of information to myself, it makes me feel like I have some control over the situation; that everything I do in regards to this knowledge is influenced by nothing else but me; and I feel that it's important to have this sense of individual power sometimes, that you are the Master of your own fate and the Captain of your soul.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Day Nineteen - Someone That Changed Your Life

Dear someone who changed my life,

It's very rare that I open up to people on a deep, personal level. I am, however, completely transparent when it comes to my obsessions and weird little mannerisms; in a way I'm utterly predictable! I'm so outspoken about the things that I'm passionate about that people can read me like an open book! In saying this though, there is more to me than meets the eye; that's right, I'm a transformer, lol. In all seriousness though, I'm a lot more complex than people may assume. There are only a handful of people who have ever glimpsed this side of me, and an even fewer amount still who have actually witnessed this side of me in full force. It is these couple of people who changed my life; who saved my life. Whether it was a conscious effort or not, they all had their role to play. Now, two paragraphs for two special people. (NOTE: there is a third person here, but they already have their own post. This person was/is an incredible strength to me and I don't know what I would have done without them. They have never once judged me based on anything I've ever told them. They know exactly how much they mean to me, at least I hope they do, and nothing will ever, ever change that).

You were there for me when I had no one else to turn to. Don't ask me how it happened, because I don't have a clue, but something changed in our friendship that pushed us from being friends to best friends. Perhaps it was our ability to identify with each other; both in different circumstances, yet both still able to understand where the other person was coming from. For a very long time I came to you for everything. I literally poured my heart out to you because I didn't know what else to do. I needed this weight off of my shoulders and you were my go-to. I felt bad burdening you with my issues when you had your own to deal with, but I guess in a way this just strengthened our bond. I will never, ever forget one specific night when I was babysitting my neighbours. I was watching 'The Boy In The Striped Pyjama's'. I came home that night and I wasn't in a good state.. You helped me through that. I don't even know if you remember.. There is obviously a lot of that story that I'm not going to reveal for the sake of this letter, but trust me when I say what you did for me that night I will never forget. You were there for me every single step of the way, not once losing patience with me or abandoning me. What we went through, and how you helped me, I'm forever in debt to you. I realise that you think you did nothing, but let me assure you that you did do something; more than just a mere 'something'.. perhaps more than you'll ever know. And for everything you did for me, I am eternally grateful.

You did what you did for me without having any clue of the effect you would have. I just want you to know the respect and admiration I have for you. I have always looked up to you; everything about you is how I'd wanna be, your freedom comes naturally. I've never had many older female influences in my life that were close to my age, so once I met you it was like I had finally discovered the big sister that I never had. You're just so intelligent and witty and talented!! After I pretty much lost contact with everyone, you were the one person who I maintained a connection with; and I'm so thankful for that! You really are a bundle of energy and positivity! You have such an optimistic view on life in general! "It's hard to be blue when the sun shines on your day off and you have a bag full of books which cost nothing at all". I love that you get joy out of the simple things in life; a cosy cafe with a tea and good book to keep you company. Sorry to ramble on, but you must understand how much your opinion means to me; because when you sent me a letter out of the blue one day, that was a turning point for me. The letter was unexpected and it made me realise that even though we never actually saw each other anymore, you were still sensing that there was something wrong. For you to be able to guage something like that from such a distance really made me start to think; Not only was I affecting the people I saw on a daily basis, but I had managed to draw your attention. I can't even explain to myself, let alone to everyone else, what snapped within me. But whatever it was, something changed inside of me. From that day on I started to view the world differently; I started to change my opinion on life. By no means did everything suddenly go away, nor do I think it ever will, but from that day onwards things have never been the same. I still keep on me at all times the little ticket you sent me with your letter - it's a constant reminder for me of what to strive for.
Without the love and support of those people closest to me, then I don't know where I would be today. So to all those people who have ever helped me out, whether the favour be big or small, I thank you so much ♥


Monday, July 19, 2010

Day Eighteen - The Person You Know That Is Going Through The Worst Of Times

Dear the person who I know is going through the worst of times,

It's so hard for me to watch you go through this. I feel so helpless, like there's nothing at all that I can do. I don't know what to say; I don't know what to do. I feel as if you're putting on a brave face for the world when inside you're really falling apart. You're such a strong person, and always have been! The horrors that have been thrown your way in the past 6 months would have had everyone else running away had it been them in your position; but that's not like you. You're the type of person that puts everyone else's needs before your own. Despite how you're feeling, you still soldier on and act like everything is okay. But what you've had to deal with, it's not okay. Behind closed doors and away from everyone else, I can't begin to understand how hard it must be for you. I mean, I know how much it hurt me, so I can only begin to imagine the impact this whole ordeal has had on you. And it seems to be never ending.. there's always forms to fill out, people to speak to, phone calls to make.. it really does feel as if it's going to go on forever! Realistically it will all wrap up eventually, but it really has dragged on for longer than necessary, only making the whole situation worse. I want nothing more than for things to back to the way they were before all of this happened, but that's just not possible; nothing will ever be the same again. I've heard you on the phone, had to listen to the aftermath of said phone calls, I've seen the way that your expression changes from time to time.. I hate seeing you like this, and I wish I knew what I could do to help. But like I said, you're strong! You have such a strong will and determination. You're surrounded by a loving family who will always be there for you no matter what. Together as one united front we can all move on; together we're invincible. I hate that this has happened to you, and all in such a short period too. But know that we are here for you, and we love you.


Day Seventeen - The Person That Gave You Your Favourite Memory

Dear the person who gave me my favourite memory,

Again, this isn't a specific person as much as it's a specific group of people; my grade 6 primary school class! Whenever someone asks me about the most enjoyable time of my life, I always think back to grade 6. So many great memories are associated with that year! I guess there is one specific person who I was able to share it all with, and perhaps I'll direct this letter to her :)
It was 2004 and I was 11 going on 12 years old in my last year of primary school, and boy did we have fun! At the time all I wanted to do was get out of the place and be done with it, but looking back now I realise I should have enjoyed it while it lasted.. but that's not to say we didn't, because we definitely did! Even from the very first day of induction, you and I kick-started the memories! We were the only friends we had in the class.. We had other friends, but I mean from our friendship group. For induction we didn't have our regular teacher. It would have had to have been a Friday, because it was on Fridays that we had a substitute; our sports and information technology teacher. For the purposes of this letter we'll class him Mr. X (because he's gonna come up quite a bit, lol). Anyway, let's just say that Mr. X was not our favourite person in the world. We'd all been sitting on the floor and then Mr.X told the class to go and sit at our tables. However, we didn't want to do that. He kept telling us to go to the tables, but we refused to do that and instead just sat on the floor. Eventually he gave up and just continued on with the class with us still on the floor (..making faces at him and talking really loudly! lol) We decided for ourselves when we wanted to go sit in our chairs, and when we did, we picked the table that faced the wall and sat there, facing the wall. LOL. Ahh, Mr.X was such a source of amusement! Remember how every Friday, a bit of the day would be dedicated to his Spanish-ness, lol. He'd teach us about the Running of the Bulls and everything.. and we just wouldn't do the work. Oh, hahahaha.. or that day when Jackson was making those chicken noises, so Mr. X sent him into the bag room, but Jackson just got louder and louder! LOL. Oh, that was funny!! And the two groups of tables at the back of the classroom.. I think I was with Luke, Brooke and Judy.. and you were with Sean (?) Anyway, Brooke laughed like a hyena, and Judy used to always get frustrated with us!! lol. And the rubber collection we had!!! Whenever we rubbed some work out we would collect the shavings from it!! (where did that all end up, by the way? lol). And "talk talk talk talk" hahahaha! OMG, that was funny! We figured that you don't breathe when you talk, so everytime Brandon walked past we would start saying "talk talk talk talk" because we thought he smelt! LOL. haha, we were so mean to him. And that Friday we locked him in the sports shed! LOL! We had the duty of putting the blue bins away after lunch, and when we put the bins away we trapped him behind all the bins and then shut the roller door!! Then halfway through the lesson he finally returned to class once he was able to get himself out! Mr. X was like "where were you?" and he's like "I was in the shed." hahaha. OMG! What about silent reading!?!?! How it was a strict rule that we had to be quite, but we would pick a book and just read the last word of every line in the book out loud!! haha, sometimes it made sense too.. making up our own stories! haha, I remember we'd just burst into laughter all the time when we did that! And, of course, we'd get i trouble for it by Mr.X.. but then that would just make us do it more!!
Do you find it funny how everything so far has to do with us and our behaviour in Mr.X's classes.. haha, Friday's had to be the best day!
But then there's also our sports and IT classes with him! In IT he liked to use the overhead projector and his laptop, and he'd literally spend half the class giving us instructions on what to do because no one would listen to him!!! And when we finally did get to go onto the computers, he'd tell us to turn the sound down because otherwise it'd get too noisy.. so instead we turned the volume up! LOL. Or sports classes, when he'd give us instructions.. I remember the pavement on the footpath had been dug up a bit because they were looking for a drain or something.. anyway, there were little stones everywhere. And he said to us while we were on the basketball courts "please don't touch the stones".. so what do we do? .. We pick up the stones and throw them at him, LOL. hahahaha, ohhh gosh. We really were cruel! Then there was the fact that he changed the name of the game "Killer" because he thought it was too violent. So we changed it to "Socceroonie" instead. That way when he wrote it up on the board and rubbed a letter off at a time when we were naughty, it would take forever to rub off so we'd still end up playing it anyway!! But how competitive did he get when he joined in!!! Like, as the teacher you don't actually play. You join in and have fun, but you let the kids win.. but nup, not Mr.X! He got into it and wasn't happy when we said he went out! lol.
haha, are there any memories without Mr.X .. ?
lol, of course! I remember wet day programs! We'd all crowd around the radio.. listening to JoJo's 'Leave (Get Out)' or Stacie Orrico 'There's Gotta Be (More To Life)' or Usher 'Confessions' or Simple Plan!! Oh, remember our obsession with Simple Plan!?!? I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare. I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair. ohhh, or that day we had a beatboxing competition. And Brandon got up and was full serious, and people were like "yeah.. that's okay".. but then we got up and were full spastic, and everyone voted us the winners!! LOL. Wet day programs were fun!!
Music in general that year was awesome! Simple Plan, blink182! I remember you used to get the lyrics wrong to both 'Perfect' and 'I Miss You' and I'd always correct you and you'd get annoyed! lol. That was the year when you brought me down!! lol, your punk rock influence! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! hahaha. OMG! What about Maroon 5, 'She Will Be Loved' .. ? hahaha. And she will. Be loved. And she will. Be lo-uh-uh-uh-uh-ved. Even now when I hear that song I think of you! Blink182's self-titled album also reminds me of grade 6; grade 6 swimming to be specific. I got it for my birthday that year, and I as I wasn't doing school swimming, I'd listen to it on the side of the pool, using my WALKMAN! haha. And we'd listen to it on the bus to and from swimming.
And our competitiveness with our school work!! Everytime we did some work, everyone would always think mine was better. Then one day we didn't say which piece of work belonged to who, and then when you asked people, they still thought the one that belonged to me was better! haha. OH! And Ralia!! hahahaha! How when we were doing the topic of Aboriginals we couldn't come up with names for the people in our stories, so we just took letters out of words from the wall displays! ('Ralia' came from the word 'Australia' hahah). OMFG! MY RULER! I STILL HAVE IT!!! XD Haawah Hooganahboogahnah!! LOLOLOL! And how we made holes in it and dug grooves into it so we could have pen races!! hahahaha!! Jesus Christ we had so much fun!!! And Maths Mastery. The last question was always algebra or something, and we always got like 20/20 and felt so smart!!
Man, 2004 with you was SO much fun! There are SO many more memories that I know we'll discuss once you've seen this! lol. Thank you so much for being apart of all of this! It was such an epic year and I wouldn't trade the memories for anything!!


Day Sixteen - Someone You Want To Give A Second Chance To

Dear someone I want to give a second chance to,

This is less of someone and more of an entire population, that population including you and me; the world. We all deserve a second chance, right? Well, apparently we all do. Sometimes it's difficult to "forgive and forget", I know I have trouble on the whole "forgetting" part of that.. but still, everyone deserves forgiveness, don't they? Honestly, I don't think they do; not everyone. If you make a mistake, you should learn to live with the consequences. Some mistakes are forgivable; others are not. If you happen to do something that is unforgivable, then don't expect anyone to give you a second chance. This doesn't mean you won't be given one though.. I said not to expect one, that doesn't necessarily mean that some generous person out there won't give you one.
The world is made up of billions of people, everyone being their own unique individual making their own contribution to the world. However, not all contributions are positive. I look around and I see chaos and destruction everywhere. We have countries at war for the most ridiculous reasons because everyone is too narrow-minded and ignorant to come to some agreement. There is violence between different races and cultures, sexes, age groups.. everywhere you look there is likely to be some form of conflict. We have people in our society that think that it's okay to target the more vulnerable. There are violent fights, beatings, stabbings, shootings.. on a less violent scale, but serious nonetheless, there's the typical insulting, name-calling and schoolyard bullying (which these days has started to involve the more serious types of violence). Since when is any of this okay? Who honestly thinks that it's nothing to be apart of such behaviour? Kids teasing other kids, parents taking discipline too far, husbands beating on their wives.. none of this is okay!! The sooner that everyone realises this then the better off we'll all be. Not only does this behaviour effect those involved, but it also affects society as a whole. We all witness the aftermath of these conflicts, we all have to try and work to put the pieces back together.. but regardless of how hard we try to build things back up, there is always going to be a number of people working equally as hard to tear everything back down! It doesn't matter how much time and effort you put into trying to make the word a better place, because evil is always going to exist! Humans are some of the most vile and malicious creatures on this earth, and unfortunately we find ourselves in a position of utmost power.
I want to give the world a second chance. I want to be able to say "hey, we've all made mistakes, let's try harder next time to make the right decision".. but the fact is, the world doesn't deserve a second chance, not in my eyes. History has proven this! We've had our chances to learn from the past, but time and time again we make the same stupid mistakes!! Until there comes a time when we do actually say to ourselves "somethings gotta change", then I refuse to forgive the world. I hope that one day I can but, for now, that's not happening.


Saturday, July 17, 2010

Day Fifteen - Someone You Judged By Their First Impression

Dear someone I judged by first impressions,

This could be relevant to so many people. In fact I'm positive that it is. I can't think of a specific example, so I suppose this is to anyone in general who I've judged based on first impressions. If you try and tell yourself that you've never judged someone in the very first moments of meeting them, then you'd be lying. You don't even have to have met the person in order to have judged them. Either way, we've all done it. It's human nature to do so.
I've judged people and thought them to be complete bitches, only to realise that they're the sweetest people ever. I've also had it the other way round too, where I've thought someone to be really nice, only to have them turn out to be the complete opposite. Regardless of which case it is, we still shouldn't judge people. Sometimes you might be correct, but 9 outta 10 times you'll be wrong.
When we judge people we limit ourselves and tend to make generalisations. We blind ourselves to the truth; of seeing someone for who they really are. As someone who is regularly misunderstood and judged on first impressions, you'd think that I wouldn't be one to judge.. so I suppose you might consider me to be a hypocrite then. I don't mean to judge people, I just can't help it. How does that old saying go?.. "you should never judge a book by it's cover".. well, it's true. Hopefully I can one day learn to live by this saying.. but for now, I'm sorry if I've judged you incorrectly and if that has in anyway affected you. I know that it's never fun to have people think you're someone other than who you are. So, if this relate to you in anyway, then I'm sorry.


Day Fourteen - The Person That You Wish You Could Be

Dear the person that I wish I could be,

It's simple; I wish I could be a better person. I wouldn't want to actually be another person, I just wish I could be a different version of myself; an alternate me. I used to always want to be someone else; someone who was pretty, had lots of friends, fit in with everyone, was liked by everyone, had great taste in fashion.. but then I quickly realised, that's an incredibly superficial person I wanted to be. After realising this, from a very young age, I decided to not aspire to be that sort of person. Granted, I was always envious of those people who had it all, but I figured that I was never going to reach anything near it so why even bother.. So instead I was an introverted outcast; I was timid, self-conscious, quiet and 'weird'.
I used to hate that I was like this, but then I again realised that this didn't matter. It didn't matter what anyone else thought; I was free to be me. However, I always wanted to be a better person. I think that I've come a long way from who I used to be, but I still have a fair way to go. I'm still self-conscious, lacking self-esteem, have no confidence and, from time to time, hate who I am in general. But in saying this, these things aren't nearly as bad as what they used to be. I just wish that I wasn't so afraid of taking risks; to be able to put myself on the line without being afraid of what the consquences will be.
There will always be things I want to change about myself, and not just aspects that revolve around me. To me, the most important things I want to change about myself are the things that affect other people. I wish I was more socially active within the community. I wish I was more charitable. I wish I had a higher tolerance for people. I wish that I wasn't so mean to my brothers. I wish that I could treat everyone with respect. I care about the state of the world and I want to make a difference, but I wish that I was more motivated.. in all aspects of my life.
I'm nowhere near perfect and there are many things that I'd like to change in order to become a better person who can make a positive contribution to society. If I can one day be one of those people who had a positive impact, then I'll be able to live with all my flaws, because what's most important is the livelihood of everyone else around me and ensuring that they have the life that they deserve.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day Thirteen - Someone That's Not In Your State/Country

Dear someone that isn't in my state or country,

You know, I originally had different intentions for this letter, but I think I've just thought of the perfect person/people to write to so I don't double up with my letters.. :) This is for the lovely Japanese people living in Sapporo, Hokkaido! :)
I mean, you guys gave me the experience of a life time!! Being in your company, you made us (my fellow Australian school friends) feel so welcome! After two weeks of travelling around your beautiful country, our final destination was your town. Sapporo in the winter time is cold; cold, yet so magnificently beautiful. We received nothing but respect and a friendly exchange :) When we were terrified of trying to fit in in such a foreign environment, you helped us to feel as comfortable as possible! If you ask me, the one week stay at your school was definitely not long enough!!
And my dear host family; the Shinya household! Such amazing people! I was so nervous about staying with a host family by myself with no Australian, English speaking, friends of mine! However, from the very moment that we met I knew I was in safe hands! I remember meeting you for the first time.. Satomi was still in her dance class, so it was just me and Toshimi.. and everyone thought the height difference between us was hilarious!! I also remember that you held out to me my profile sheet and asked me "how do you pronounce it?" and you pointed to my name, lol. So, sorry for having such a difficult name, lol. In so many ways I felt like you became my family; my Japanese family! Some of my friends were having a difficult time settling in, but I never once had that problem. We hit it off straight away, and for that I am very grateful! We would go shopping all the time, take purikura photos, have take out for dinner (which was ALWAYS delicious!), go on rides and go to games centres at 10pm at night! Whenever I was trying something for the first time, or if you thought maybe I might feel uncomfortable doing something, the word we would always use was "challenge", lol. It was our word that meant, 'I have no idea how this is going to turn out, but I'll give it a shot anyway!'. Not only did you embrace me within the household, but into your extended family too! I remember meeting up with Hiromi many times, especially on the last night I was in Japan. We went out for dinner to a traditional Japanese restaurant with all the trimmings! Hiromi came that night too, and you were all lovely enough to shower me with gifts. It was hard to say good bye to all of you, and I hope that someday we can all meet again! Satomi has visited Australia and my family was lucky enough to host her. It was wonderful to be able to see you again! I've hosted before, and sometimes there's awkwardness in the first couple of days, and just as their about to go, that's when you feel comfortable. However, as we had already met before we never experienced that! AND in fact, you're returning back to Australia today for a 5 day stay (with a different family though). It will be fabulous to see you again!! :)
So, thank you for such an amazing, once-in-a-life-time experiences!


Day Twelve - The Person You Miss The Most

Dear the person I miss the most,

Before I started writing this letter, I realised just how difficult this was going to be; but I'm going to get through this one because you mean so much to me.

It's been 4 months at 15 days since the last time I saw you. Even now I still find it hard to just think about you, because when I do think about you I'm always reminded of the fact that I'm never going to see you again. It isn't until I'm in the privacy of my own room that I can think things through properly, because that's when I can have my own reflective moment without anyone else to witness. I miss you so much and nothing will ever change that. You meant so much to me, and still do. A part of me worries that I never told you enough how much I loved you while I still had the chance; but I suppose you would have had to have known. My childhood was spent growing up with you and your influence. You gave me memories that I will hold dear and cherish for the rest of my life. I owe so much of who I am to you. And I just hope that you knew how much you meant to me. As I've previously stated, I'm not much of the religious type. However I know that to you religion was everything; you even told me once, while reflecting upon all that was important to you, completely acknowledging the conditon you were in, that you felt that your most important relationship was your relationship with God. Now, I mightn't believe in it, but I know you did. So I truly hope that for your sake you're right, because I couldn't hope for anything more than for you to have found peace in a better place. You were/are an inspiration to me. Despite your declining state you never gave up. Even in your final moments you refused to give in. You were such a strong individual! You lived through some of the most difficult situations but always made it through. You built a life for yourself and for your family and gave so much to everyone around you. I am so honoured and proud to be able to say that you were mine; that you are my grandfather. Never will I forget the precious times I spent with you; weekends with you and grandma, taking walks by the river, the bike rides or walks into town, driving around in the Vinnies truck, playing Mahjong with you, the little hop/skip you would do in order for us to be walking with the same foot in front of the other, working in your garage and fixing everything that you thought was broken (even if sometimes it wasn't, lol), playing in the park and collecting acorns, even simply sitting on the couch with you watching TV (I also remember the time that Titanic was on TV and I wanted to watch it and as soon as the sex scene in the car came up you were like "okay Jyssica, I think it's time for bed", lol). All of these memories, and so much more, are what I will hold onto for a lifetime. No amount of words will ever be able to express how much I love you or miss you. So I'll say one last thing; I love you, and I miss you so much, and despite the fact that you may no longer be here with us anymore, your memory will live on forever in our hearts ♥

-Love from your granddaughter, Jyssica ♥

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day Eleven - Someone You've Drifted Away From

Dear someone I've drifted away from,

This is actually a very simple task to write this letter because it goes out to pretty much everybody I've ever known. It was never a conscious decision to distance myself from you, it sort of just happened via the natural progression of life. I have always considered myself to be an outsider with no real place where I felt I belonged. I never saw this as a negative though because I have always been content living in my own little private world. My very nature has always been to keep to myself and to blend in; I never sought to stand out amongst the crowd. This, however, wasn't the real me. In the privacy of my own world I was, and still am, slightly on the eccentric side, as a few people will be able to attest to. Regardless of what I was like behind closed doors, this didn't change the fact that I was essentially a completely different person when around others. I used to try to please other people, to make them want to have me around. I never got on anyones bad side and always tried to fit in and contribute to the group without being too overtly opinionated. With so many more confident and charasmatic people around, I gave up on trying to make a name for myself and opted to just hide away in the shadows. I have always stood firm about being yourself and not caring what other people think, but it wasn't until not that long ago that I actually started to listen to myself.
I have always had friends, but I went for a very long time without having the friend; the best friend. I was a drifter. I didn't go more than a year hanging out with the same crowd at school. A new year meant a new group of friends. It wasn't that I stopped being friends with anyone, it was just the simple fact that people grow up; people change. In some cases it was everyone in the group that went their separate ways; in other cases it was just me. In those particular instances I just felt that everyone else was changing together, developing the same interests and passions. It just happened to be that I wasn't going in the same direction as them, hence why I drifted a lot.
I am still friends with most of the people I've drifted away from, it's just that we're nowhere near as close as we used to be. Sometimes I feel jealous when I look at those people now and see that they're all still together; it makes me wonder what I did wrong and why I'm always the one who seems to lose people. I used to think that if I was going to keep losing people all the time then maybe I should just conform and become another face in crowd; other times I thought I should just give up on the friends thing all together. But now I know I was just being silly. I still have those wonderful people in my life, and I've now found my little 'click' XD . I couldn't ask for a more amazing group of people to surround myself with. So despite the fact that I've drifted away from so many people, they will always mean so much to me for everything that they did, and I'm just grateful that I now have a place where I feel I belong.


Saturday, July 10, 2010

Day Ten - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

Dear a deceased person I wish I could talk to,

Six months ago this would only have been directed to two people; unfortunately that number has increased. Nevertheless, there will be plenty of time to dedicate to those more recent losses, and for now I'm going to take the opportunity to write to one particular person whom I've been longing to talk to for so long, regardless of the fact that it will never happen.
Unfortunately I never had the opportunity to meet you. You were before my time; taken away from this world long before I was even a mere thought in anyone's mind. I've heard stories about you, about how you raised your son practically on your own after the death of your husband. In all honesty, I find the whole situation surrounding your side of the family very confusing. However, from what I've heard, you were an amazing woman. I've seen photos of you; photos of a long distant past, enjoying the moment while it lasted. I've heard of the lessons that you taught your son, the morals that you instilled within him. I've heard about the hardships that you had to endure within your life, hardships that you faced and conquered. I suppose life was harder back then; harder, yet in many ways a much simpler time.
It's a shame that we were never even given a chance to meet. I know that one of the things you wanted most in the world was a granddaughter; well, here I am. I'm technically a religious person, but a piece of paper means nothing to me unless you actually have faith. So I suppose I don't really consider myself to be religious at all. Sure, I have my beliefs, but they're my beliefs based on what I choose to believe, not what I'm told to believe. One of the many things that I believe in is the existance of spirits. I believe that once we die there is no heaven or hell for us to go to, I simply can't wrap my head around that concept. However, I believe that once we die, if you are leaving something behind in this world that you have an unbelievable connection with, whether that be due to love, vengance or 'unfinished business', I believe that you can remain on the earth as a spirit, tied down to whatever is keeping you here until you have made peace. From there where do we go? I can't answer that. All I know is that I used to hold onto the hope that you were still around. I used to talk to you whenever I felt alone; the conversation may have been extremely one sided (lol) but still, it made me feel like I was almost 'confessing' myself to you, getting rid of the weight that was keeping me down. I found comfort in that small hope that I had, and I held it close to my heart. As I got older that hope faded, however I'm thankful for my youthful innocence and the role that you played in that. I suppose a part of me will always hold onto the tiniest shred of hope that you might still be out there watching over me, but I no longer rely on it.
I wish that I could have met you, and I wish that I believed that we one day could. But no matter how hard I wish, that will never happen. So what I hold onto now is a desire to be the kind of person that you could have been proud of; someone who you would have been proud to call your granddaughter.


Day Nine - Someone You Wish You Could Meet

Dear someone I wish I could meet,

Goodness, do you know how many people I could write this to?? There is a multitude of bands, actors, authors and overseas friends who I want to meet! So, I suppose I'll write this to three groups of people I want to meet the most!

blink-182; my favourite band since the impressionable age of 11. At first it was innocent enough, songs such as 'I Miss You' and 'Feeling This' (that was before I realised what 'Feeling This' was all about!).. but then came along the rest of your albums, and slowly songs such as 'Family Reunion' and 'I Wanna **** A Dog' found their way onto my radar! lol. And from then on my innocence was gone! lol. But amongst all the toilet humour, nudity and punk rock attitude were three best friends that I looked up to. Yes, a lot of your songs are immature as all hell, but you also had the ability to write such emotional songs such as 'Adam's Song' and 'Stay Together For The Kids'. My favourite song of all time, by any artist, is your song 'Not Now'. Over the years you guys have somewhat matured, but that child inside has never disappeared! You guys don't care what anybody thinks about you; you go out and have a great time and enjoy yourselves!! Given that I was only 12 going on 13 when you went on your 'indefinite hiatus', I was heartbroken because I thought that any opportunity to ever meet you or see you live was lost! But I didn't give up hope! And what do you know, 5 years later and you're back together!! My opportunity to meet you guys is still there!! (mind you, I was/am pissed that I had to go through all of highschool without ANY new material.. but suppose there's nothing I can do about that..) If I could meet you guys one day, it would be a dream come true!!

Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles (my Supernatural boys); again, to meet you guys would be a dream! Granted, my love for you probably borders on the lines of obsessive insanity, but at least you know you're loved ;) . My favourite television show is Supernatural, and to have you guys star in it is like woah!! XD Over the five seasons that SPN has aired I have seen you both develop as actors! On camera you are a joy to watch, off camera you are unbelievably funny and amazing!! The chemistry between you guys on camera as brothers transcends into your real-life realtionship with each other! You two are just like brothers! You're both so funny, and down-to-earth!! I've missed an opportunity to meet you when you were in Aus in 2009. You only went to Sydney and completely snobbed Melbourne!! But I hope you guys can come back! Meeting Misha Collins was amazing, and I kinda freaked out in his presence and totally went all fangirl.. and I have a suspicion that if I were to meet you guys there's a very high chance of me possibly passing out.. but it would all be worth it!!

And finally, Muse; Dominic, Matthew and Chris!! I can't begin to tell you how much it would mean to me if I could meet you! You have done so much for me and given me so much to live for; I could never thank you enough. Music means everything to me; music is my life. When I have nothing/no one else to turn to, music is always there. Music is timeless. Music can connect with you in ways that nothing else can. It has the ability to tell stories of love and loss; of hope and despair. Music can be the voice of millions of people; it goes beyond the words, with a simple melody being able to capture more than words themselves ever could. Muse, you succeed in producing music such as this. Your music speaks to me like nothing ever has before. Your music inspires me, it connects with me, it gives me hope. You have turned my life around in more ways than one. It is through you that I have started to understand myself on a different level. I have found within myself a confidence to be who I am and to not let people hold me back. I am able to be myself without any fear of other peoples reactions. Whether it be Dom's fashion sense, Chris's unbelievable kindness, or Matt's eccentric behaviour, all three things have made me realise that it's okay to be who I am. Muse's overall "outsider" reputation has taught me that it's okay to not always fit in; that to be on the outside makes way for endless possibilities. Matthew, your lyrics are so inspirational to me. There are those songs that you write about space and aliens and governmental repression, but then there are songs that speak to the soul; that speak to the inner lost adolescent within all of us. I won't name all my favourite songs and lyrics, because that list would go on forever, but lines such as 'best, you've got to be the best/ you've got to change the world/ and use this chance to be heard/ your time is now' (Butterflies and Hurricanes), 'wash me away/ clean your body of me/ erase all the memories/ they'll only bring us pain/ and I've seen/ all I'll ever need' (Citizen Erased), 'and tonight we can truly say/ together we're invincible' (Invincible), 'let's conspire to re-ignite all the souls that would die just to feel alive' (Starlight), 'when you've seen/ too much, too young/ soulless is everywhere' (New Born), 'I'm lost, crushed, cold and confused with no guiding light left inside' (Guiding Light), speak to me and give me a voice when I can't find the words by myself. Muse, you're an inspiration to me; you are my muse (bada bing!), and to be able to meet you would make my life!


Friday, July 9, 2010

Day Eight - Someone You Don’t Talk To As Much As You’d Like To

Dear Someone I don't talk to as much as I'd like to,

Well, I suppose this one is to all the people who I no longer have anything to do with. This letter proceeds my last letter quite fittingly I think.
I miss the fact that we never see each other anymore. I miss being in your company. I miss hearing your stories. I miss just knowing you. All I have left are memories of another time; another world! It used to come easily, being in your company; but now it's as if we're nothing more than a couple of strangers who have never met. We used to be best friends, and now it's like we were never friends at all. I really do miss talking to you, all of you. I think about you often - about what you're doing, how your life is going, in what direction your life is heading. I suppose I probably should have made more of an effort to keep in contact from the very moment that we separated... but it was just so hard. We essentially belonged to two completely different worlds and that made it very difficult to maintain any kind of connection. Slowly we drifted apart, and for that I am sorry. I'd love to have that friendship back in my life, but the reality is that that is unlikely to happen. As we get older life moves forward, what happens in the past stays in the past, we meet new people and lose old friends, but no matter what we will always have the memories.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Day Seven - The Person You Hate/Caused You The Most Pain

Dear the person who's caused me the most pain,

Hate is a very strong word and I don't use it lightly. Yes, I admit that I throw it around quite a bit, but I don't actually hate anyone - I just use it to vent my frustration with someone/something. And, in all honesty, I don't hate you either. However, you are the person who has caused me the most pain; and you know what, you have no idea. A lot of people may think that I'm just being completely melodramatic and building this evil portrait of you in my mind, but I can't help it; that's just how I see you. My entire life, up until the point where I finally gave in, had been all about the sport. I had no social life or anything, except for the one that I had at swimming. So of course anything that happened there was going to have a huge impact on me. In a way though, I have a feeling that the reason I feel so much animosity towards you is because I'm looking for someone to blame for everything; someone to blame for who I've become. You were my mentor at a very impressionable age and, in my opinion, you destroyed me.
What gets me though is that it could have gone so many different ways. I'm not one to care about what people think of me; if someone hates me or dislikes something about me, then good for them - I'm not gonna change for them. I don't seek to please other people. However, in saying that, there is one "type" of person who I look up to, who I want to gain respect from, who I want to be proud of me. That "type" of person is one who is in a position of authority. I suppose not necessarily authority as such, but someone who is usually in a higher social position and who I respect and idolise. If I have a deep respect for someone, then I'd hope that I can be all that person wants me to be and make them proud of me. You used to fall under this category; and unfortunately, to this day, I think you still do.
We never used to have an issue with each other. I used to work hard, dedicate myself to my passion, and I enjoyed it; it was my life! I didn't mind the 2.5hour long sessions, eight times a week, including two 5:15am morning sessions! To me all this hard word and effort meant something. I was working hard at something that I loved to do - and really, how much more can you ask for than that. But then something changed; I plateaued. Maybe you just wanted the best for me, or perhaps you were asking more from me than I could give. I'll never know the answer to that. Nevertheless, your attitude towards me changed. In your eyes I went from being hardworking to someone who had given up. And you know, maybe you were right. Maybe I did give up. Actually, there's no maybe about it; I did give up.. because of you. You transformed something I loved into something that I despised. Even now, three years later, I hate it! I would/could never go back to it. You took away a part of my life that once meant the world to me.
It was gradual, your change in attitude towards me. In the beginning you tried to work with me, to help me through this phase, but eventually your patience ran out. You would still work with me, but only because it was your job and it's what you were paid to do. If ever you were trying to teach me something and I was having a hard time grasping the new technique, the patience that you once had with me disappeared; you gave up on me a lot more easily. And, naturally, I gradually started to lose interest.
It got to the point where I didn't want to be there anymore. Something that I had once loved to no end and actually enjoyed doing had become a tedious chore that I felt obligated to do. And, given that this is the mind frame I was in, how could either of us expect me to do well. I remember one particular competition clearly - I don't remember what it was for, but I remember the events of the day very clearly. We were at MSAC in the outdoor pool and I was in the 200m backstroke; it was my event! You told me to go out as hard as possible in the first 50m split, and then come back for the remaining 150m with whatever I had left in me. So, I did just that. I went out as hard as I could and, as it turned out, I split in record timing (record timing for me anyway..). I hit the wall for that first 50m in first position. However, I had quite literally given it all that I had and I found myself with nothing left to give. That didn't mean I was going to give up though. I pushed myself as hard as I could, but my body thought otherwise. I eventually was having difficulty breathing, but I still pushed on, determined to at least finish the race. I'm not 100% sure, but I think I finished my heat second last.. After each event we have to do a warm down in the indoor pool, so I did just that. I was still having difficulty breathing, so I did an extra long warm down to try and calm myself down. Eventually when I thought I was okay, I came to see you for the post-race talk. By this stage in our coach/swimmer relationship, you intimidated me. When I saw you sitting there in the stands, I felt my heart rate pick up immediately. I knew that I had fucked up my race and I didn't need to hear it from you. I walked over to you and you just looked at me and said "I don't want to see you right now. Sit down, calm down, and I might speak to you later on". I went to my seat, sat down, and I panicked. I was shaking uncontrollably, my knees were bouncing, and I couldn't stop. I had no awareness of my surroundings at all. Everything became a blur. I was faintly aware of people around me asking if I was okay, but I just couldn't speak. I remember that somehow I ended up from my seat in the stands to sitting on the floor out in the corridor. There was a group of people around me, until the area was cleared by MSAC staff and I was taken into the first aid room. I remember being hooked up to an oxygen tank and spending quite some time in the room with my mum and with a friend of mine. I had about two races left that day. When I was feeling better, I went back to the stands. I remember you came out, took me into the corridor, and wanted to have a chat with me. You told me that I didn't have to do the rest of my swims and that I could go home and rest for the afternoon; you also said that I wasn't required at training until I was feeling okay. But the one thing that I remember ever so clearly is you telling me I was "an emotional wreck" who "needed help". I don't think I'll ever forget that. You then gave my mum the number of a psychologist and insisted that I see her. You brought up the fact that this wasn't the first time that I had had a panic attack and you strongly recommended that I see this psychologist. Little did you know that the panic attacks were caused by you, not swimming.
So, I did what you said. I went and I saw this lady. And she was great. It wasn't the typical cliche thing you see in movies. Well, I suppose it was in a way. She sat on one chair, taking notes, while I sat on another one, telling all my problems. Anyway, initially she did wonders. I turned up to training a whole new person. I was regaining motivation and I was putting in the effort. I just took it one training session at a time. And you could see the change in my attitude and you fed off of that. However, as time passed between psych sessions, I felt my motivation slip. Not because I was giving up, but because I once again felt that you were giving up on me! During another psych session I remember being asked if I minded if she rang you to discuss what we talked about in our sessions. She said that she would only tell you things that I was comfortable letting her tell you. And I figured why not. I wanted you to know these things, I just didn't want to be the one to have to face you. And this worked well for a while. But it never lasted. I guess you took on board the things she was telling you, but it never seemed to make a lasting impression. I guess old habits die hard. Another training session that I will never forget was one of those 5:15am morning sessions. By this time I had dropped down from the national squad into the state squad because I could no longer handle the pressure. However, you said that I could still join in with the national squad when they did the gym and dryland activities in the morning. So, when the time came to head over to the gym after our swim, I got out of the pool and went to get into my gym gear. Then, as I'm getting changed, I hear someone calling my name. I come out, still in my bathers, and I'm told that you wanted me back in the pool. Confused, but not wanting to get in trouble, I went out of the change rooms and got back in the pool. After training when I was getting ready for school, a friend of mine who was in the state squad said to me "did you hear what he said about you?" I had no idea what she was talking about, so I told her to tell me. Turns out while I was in the change rooms, getting ready for the gym, you turned to everyone in the state squad and said something along the lines of - I wasn't up to national level, that I'd never get anywhere, that I'd never make it, I didn't have what it took, that I didn't try and that I had a "bad attitude". When I found out that that's what you had said, I broke down. Not long after that, one Friday night training session, you were again telling me off for something that I had done wrong. I had tears in my eyes that you evidently could see because you said to me "don't think that crying is going to help the situation". After that training session I again broke down. Unfortunately, this wasn't in the privacy of a few of my female friends in the privacy of a change room; this was in public in front everyone. The thing is though, while people were coming over to me and my best friends were comforting me, you did nothing. My mum came down from the cafe, I got dressed and we went home. But not before mum had to pull over on the side of the road because I had broken down again.
I had had enough. I didn't want to be the person who couldn't get through a session without crying or having some kind of break down or panic attack. But, I didn't want to quit. I had no real friends outside of swimming. Swimming was all that I had in my life, and you were ruining it for me. But I just couldn't go on anymore. Friday the 8th of June, 2007; that is the night that I finally found the courage to approach you and tell you that I quit. My exact words to you were "I thought I'd let you know that I've been thinking about it for a while now and I've actually decided to stop swimming. Next week will be my last week, so next Saturday will be my last session". (I remember this because 1. I have it written in my diary and 2. because I rehearsed what I was going to say like crazy!) You were quite calm about it and rather nice and just said "oh, that's a shame".
The hardest part was actually telling my best friend that I had quit. I didn't tell her that night; I chickened out. I did however tell her the next night on Saturday. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do.
But, I felt liberated. Like I had finally let go of something that was holding me back. For the first few months after I quit I was beside myself with joy! I was so proud of myself!! I did actually go back to swimming for a while with a different club, one that I used to swim with from the age of 3-10. But, I ended up quitting there too. I just could not commit myself to it anymore, not like I once had. And I was okay with that. I figured I'd have more time for friends, for a social life. But that never happened. Everyone at school already had their friendship groups and I didn't really belong. The only friends I really had were the ones from swimming but, as I soon realised, the only opportunity to see them was at swimming. And as I wasn't swimming anymore, I never saw them. Not only that, but my connection with them had been broken. The bond that everyone had at swimming was unbelievable. Everynight you pour your heart and soul into something that you're all equally passionate about. You shed tears together, share laughter together; everything! But when you find ourself an outsider from all of that, that connection is broken. Not only had I lost doing something I loved, but I also lost a group of people that I loved.
Honestly, there is so much more I could write to you. About the fact that I've always been a shy and self-conscious person and how you pushed me to the limits and how gradually you made me feel worthless and pathetic. How you took away something that meant so much to me and that I only now know I took for granted. Without swimming in my life, I became a different person. Every single insecurity I had while swimming was magnified after I quit. The bliss that I felt after I left was only present for a short time until I realised the mistake that I had made in leaving. You made me doubt myself, question myself, hate myself! Three years on and you still mess with my head. I can't pass the pools anymore without wondering if you're there. I still look out for your car because I'm worried I'll run into you. Three years on and I still give a shit what you think. And the worst part is, I don't hate you. I believe you are an intelligent and talented man who knows exactly what they're on about; an intelligent, talented man who destroyed apart of me. Yet, I don't hate you. The consequences of me quitting and the things I've had to go through as a result, they're probably my fault. I can't help but wonder though if I had stuck with it would I still have made the same stupid decisions that haunt me to this day? I honestly don't think that I would have, and that is why I blame you; because you were the reason for me leaving.


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day Six - Your Favourite Internet Friend

Dear Favourite Internet Friend,

You know, I can't write this to just one person because in fact this letter subject encompasses a group of people. The group of people to whom I am talking about refer to themselves, myself included, as Musers.

Musers noun the collective term given to the die-hard fanbase of British alternative rock band, Muse.

I don't know if I can describe the connection between Musers in such a way that 'outsiders' would understand. Yes, the connection is based on a mutual love and obsession for a band, however it seems to go beyond that. The wonders of the internet are that you don't have to be in physical contact with someone in order to be communicating with them, therefore you can forge friendships with people from anywhere in the country - anywhere in the world; relationships that aren't based on ones appearance, age or ethinicity, but rather for who you are as a person. Musers are an extremely widespread group of people, yet we all manage to maintain friendships via the internet. Networks such as Twitter and Facebook, and the ever popular Muse Messageboards on, allow us all to keep in contact. It's not just about being able to stay in contact though, it's about what we can all do for each other. I have never come across a more understanding and supportive fanbase than the Muse one. It goes beyond the music. You log on to the messageboards and half the time the topic doesn't even revolve around Muse; a lot of the time it's people sharing regular everyday activities and events. But what gets me is that everyone truly cares about each other. If someone is having a shit day, then you know that you can always rely on your fellow Musers to help out, give you support and provide you with some encouraging advice. I think that the reason for the strong connection between everyone is that we understand where each other are coming from. We understand the crazy and obsessive nature we all have. We can ramble on about things to each other that everyone else would find to be pointless, and we can do so because we aren't going to be judged and looked upon as being 'weird'. I am so grateful that I stumbled across such an amazing group of people, I really don't think my life would be the same without them!

However, this letter would not be complete without mentioning my closest Musers. I haven't been mentioning names in these letters, but I will for this one; 1) because they ought to know who they are and 2) it would be confusing for me and everyone else if I didn't ! :)
Lucy, my international muser sister :) You are such an amazing person! I can talk to you about anything at all, and I know that you're there to listen. I can rattle off all my problems to you and more than likely bore you to death, lol, but you are still there for me anyway to give me advice and help me out. My family has never met you, yet they've already accepted you into our home!! If ever you're here in Australia, you know that you have a place to stay that is willing to take you in with open arms! I love how we share that slight perverted nature that would probably freak a LOT of people out, lol. I understand your love and desires for Matthew, just like you understand my love and desires for Dominic ;) I also know that medical attention is required on standby whenever photographic evidence of Matthew's beauty presents itself at the hands of Evelyn's twitpics, lol. I love you, Lucy! I love talking to you, ranting to you, obsessing with you, making up rather adult-themed/censored stories with you, and I love that you're my friend!
Evelyn, my domestic muser sister, lol. We may live in the same country, however unfortunately we find ourselves in different states! Although, we are neighbouring states, so it's not so bad. Together, along with Lucy, we have some weird friendship going on, lol. You are the "mature adult" who has to intervene to sort Lucy and I out when things get a little bit out of control, (which usually means that we've managed to turn an innocent conversation into a some perverted mess!) Sometimes you set us straight, but let's face it, most of the time you join in, lol. You are the awesome, kick-ass, old fart! You have incredible taste in music and fashion (a style which has been inspired by a certain leopard print loving drummer from some amazing rock band from Devon). You enjoy all things Japanese and British! You can share in my experiences in Japan, and you can make me incredibly jealous of your time spent in England! You help in enabling my obsession with Dominic by simply playing along with whatever crazy antics I might come out with. For some reason I feel very comfortable talking to you, which I'm pretty sure is a good thing, lol. I mean that in the sense that I'm waiting for the day when I say something so crazy that you're just gonna be like 'that's it, I can't take her anymore!', lol. But so far you seem to have taken my weirdness on board and accepted me, craziness and all! You provide health-hazardous twitpics every night that result in me fainting and dying over and over, however I wouldn't have it any other way! Much like the bizarre conversations I have with Lucy, you and I also seem to have a knack for using our imaginations to create wonderful Muse-related, slightly perverted, MA15+ stories! (Although, I'm thinking that it might be bordering R now.. lol) Together we have pushed the boundries of stalking; from Twitter to Facebook to Muse forums to telecommunication devices! =O lol.
Ashleigh, you and I find ourselves lucky enough to actually live in the same country, in the same state!! That's quite a feat that we've managed, lol. It's funny how alike we are in so many different ways. It's like we're the same person, just completely different, lol, if that makes sense. Time and time again we seem to realise how much we have in common, which I think stopped being weird a while ago now. Together we understand just how incredibly attractive Dominic James Howard is. Every night Evelyn's 'Dom nom nom' pics are dedicated to you and I; we've become Dominic-partners XD I know that if we lived closer together, or if I had met you just through something like school, that we would have been friends anyway; regardless of whether we had knowledge of each others Muse obsession or not :)
Julian, my Colombian muser dude! I don't know where to start! You are so incredibly kind to me, you have no idea! You find it hard to believe that I don't get complimented more often (if not ever) here in Australia; well, I'm telling you now, people here just mustn't be as nice as you. You are probably the first male to ever make me feel good about myself. I don't seek to please people, because I'm content with who I am and if that isn't good enough for everybody elses standards, then that's not my problem; And you understand this completely. You have accepted me for me. You make me feel as if my slight eccentric nature is okay. Normally I might shy away a bit from others if I get the impression that I've really done something outrageous for them to think I'm completely insane; but you have embraced my weirdness and dubbed me your crazy Aussie muser :) You trusted me to look after your children that I purchased for you (in a completely non-illegal blackmarket child-slavery type of way, lol). You help me with my Spanish speaking skills; "Mi nombre es Jyssica y estoy un poco loca". You are always trying to get me to listen when you say how awesome I am, but take the time to sit back and acknowledge yourself for the amazing individual that you are, because believe me, you are!

I think I might bring this letter to a close now. As you can see, I love my internet friends. I don't care how weird that might seem to other people, because I now cannot imagine my life without these wonderful people in it. I feel so lucky to have come across such amazing individuals, and I hope that in the very near future I will have the opportunity to meet them all ♥


Monday, July 5, 2010

Day Five - A Stranger

Dear Stranger,

Stranger noun 1. a person you do not know. 2. a person who is in a place or company that he or she does not know.

I do not know you, yet you are constantly on my mind. For some reason I think about you often, and not just for a fleeting moment either; you linger about and force me to ponder about certain things that I'd rather not think about. Not only do you occupy my mind, but you consume my life. You make me aware of my own insignifcance. I pass you in the street, and most likely that will be the only time I'll meet you. No exchanges were made; no thoughts or interests shared; nothing that will make you an important aspect of my life, and nothing that will make me mean anything more to you than just another ordinary person. No matter where I look, I am sure to find you there. In your eyes I am nothing but a stranger; To you I am nothing. In one way or another we are all strangers; to the world; to ourselves. Constantly we find ourselves in situations that are foreign to us, situations that we have never come across before, situations that render us frightened and alone. Sometimes we lose sight of who we are as individuals; we feel a need to be accepted by others. So we conform to the status quo in order to gain this acceptance. Sometimes it works, and other times it doesn't. In those cases when it does work, what have we truly gained? Yes, you may have developed a new found popularity, but how much is that worth? Is it really worth giving up everything that you are; everything that makes you you? And what about when it doesn't work.. all you've managed to do is become someone that you're not; and in the process you've given up a lot more than you ever stood to gain. In both instances we lose ourselves; we become strangers to ourselves. Nothing is more important than being able to feel comfortable in your own skin; to feel comfortable knowing who you are, for what you are. Unfortunately it's unlikely that anyone will ever feel this sense of complete awareness about themselves, and in some ways that can be a positive thing. The unknown leaves opportunities for discovery, and to discover who you are as a person is just one of the privileges that life has presented us with; the undertaking is a personal thing that no can, nor has the right to, take away from you.
Stranger, I wish I could know more about you, to understand who you are and what your contribution is to the world. I hope and pray that despite the fact that we will never meet, that we all have our own unique roll to play; that you and I are on our way to self discovery and seizing the opportunity to make a stand for what we believe in, to stay true to ourselves, and make our impact in this world.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Day Four - Your Dreams

Dear Dreams,

This could be taken in either one of two ways; dreams that come to you in your sleep or your aspirations for the future. So, let me touch on both.
Dreams to me are about your mind trying to make some sort of sense of the world. And, as crazy as that might seem, I think it works. Dreams tend to be outrageous at times and completely illogical - but perhaps that's the whole point. The world is a crazy and illogical place. Given that this is the case, how can we expect our minds to fully comprehend everything. If we expected that of ourselves, we'd all go insane. Dreams, to me, is our way of dealing with what we go through in everyday life. Whether they make complete sense and play out like some sort of movie, or whether they make no sense at all and leave us questioning our sanity when we wake up. Dreams are our way of processing; our mind taking the onslaught of information it's been presented with and trying to make do. However, not all dreams are good. But let's face it, the world isn't all good either. Not everything we face in our lives is all sunshine and rainbows; so much like the chaos in the world, our minds need to deal with the bad stuff too and try and make sense of it.
I for one am horrible at remembering dreams. I used to, but now I don't. (I blame my screwed up sleeping pattern!) But still, I wish I could remember what my mind presents me with each night.
As for my aspirations, if only I knew what they were. If I was to direct this letter to just my aspirations, I could go on forever about how much I just wish they would make an appearance in my life. Any type of indication that in the future I have something to strive for; because, without any aspirations, I'm kinda lost. I am currently going through life with no plan. No goals. No dreams. And, in all honesty, it scares me. I mean, what on earth am I doing? What the hell is my purpose here if I'm just going to bludge my way through life. I wish I had a plan. I wish I had goals. I wish I had a dream. But until that happens and by some miracle I'm struck by some amazing epiphany, I'm cruising on autopilot without a clue where I'm heading. And that is a very scary thought. So please, dreams, come to me!


Saturday, July 3, 2010

Day Three - Your Siblings (or closest relative)

Dear Siblings,

Where do I begin? How about with this; you annoy the shit out of me! :) It's the truth and you know it. Whenever I want to be left alone you just walk into my room without knocking or sit down and watch TV with me when I just want you to go away! And I ask politely for you to leave and you continue to sit there! So then I get angry, and you still don't leave! Then I get psycho and you call me a psychotic bitch. Only is it then that you will leave. Let me ask you this; why not just leave when I ask the first time? It saves me a lot of trouble! It's also less time consuming!
So, now that I got that out of the way, I guess there's nothing left to say... haha, I jokes! I'm not kidding about you annoying the shit out of me, that's completely the truth! But I do suppose there's more to you guys than that.
I'm the older sister; you two are my baby brothers; no matter what, nothing will change that.
I believe that siblings have a relationship like no other in the world. Siblings frustrate the living hell out of each other at some times, and then at other times they can get on perfectly fine. You can start the day off completely angry at each other, then at the end of the day be the best of friends. And no matter how bad things get, how childish or immature the situation may be, something always seems to rectify the situation. It is with your siblings that you experience the widest range of emotions; love, hate, pride, envy, compassion, frustration, etc. It doesn't matter what happens, because you can't escape your family. Try all you like, but nothing will break the bonds of family; it's impossible. And like they say, you can't choose your family.
I know I complain about you guys a LOT, but deep down (very deep down) I love you guys. Yes, I complain, but I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. Yes, it also annoys me sometimes when you copy everything that I do!, but again, in a way it also makes me feel flattered because it means that you feel that what I'm doing is worthy of being copied; it means you're looking up to me as a role model.
So to conclude, piss off and stop annoying me! lol, I jokes. Well no, do stop annoying me! But also, you guys are amazing (in your own ways) and don't ever change for anyone! You be the best that you guys can be! (And please, try to get along .. )


Friday, July 2, 2010

Day Two - Your Parents

Dear parents,

I know I don't say it nearly as much as I should; I love you. You have provided me with so much in my life; a house to live in, clothes to wear, food to eat - but most importantly - unwavering love and support. You have always been there for me, no matter what troubles I may have faced. Whether it be homework in primary school or obstacles I've faced in everyday pursuits, I know that I can rely on you.
We may have our disagreements at times (which tend to be more frequent as I've gotten older ;) ), but I still know that at the end of the day you will always be there for me. I know that when you tell me off for something stupid that I've done that you're only doing so because you have my best interest at heart.
I know that I may take what I have for granted at times, that I push your patience to the limit because I'm too obstinate to backdown. However, despite my attitude at times, we still manage to work things out.
Sometimes we clash just for the sake of it, mainly because we're just so alike! But in a way this should be looked upon with affection; that I am indeed my mothers daughter; my fathers daughter.
Thank you again for everything you have ever done for me, and everything that I know you will continue to do for me in the future. I am eternally grateful.
I love you xx


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Day One - Your Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

It was a gradual development; slowly our friendship evolved over the years until we reached where we are now; sisters. When people meet me for the first time I tend to scare them off. Don't ask me why, god knows that we've tried to figure it out many times before! But for some reason people assume that I don't like them. You were no exception to this. Despite this little obstacle (one that I was unaware even existed until years later) we managed to bond through the very essence of friendship.
We were always friends, but it wasn't until a few years ago that we really became best friends. I had never had a best friend before, as sad as that may seem (I've had friends, obviously, but I never had an unbreakable connection with someone, because in my life right now, those old connection I had, did indeed break). But you; you were something different.
You have this auora around you that makes it impossible to not have a good time. You are very conscious of the world around you and of other people. You know when to have fun, yet you know when it's time to be serious. You are there for your friends no matter what; you were there for me, no matter what. At one stage I thought I was risking everything by opening up to you about something that was very personal to me, but I thought wrong. I should have known that you would be nothing but understanding and supportive.
We share so many memories together and I couldn't imagine my life now without you in it. Afterall, you've been adopted into my family.
So thankyou, for everything you have given me, and for everything that I know we will share in the future :)