I’d love to be able to just sleep right now, but my brain doesn’t seem to want any of that.
I feel like I just have to get this off my chest before it drives me insane, this weird sense of confusion or whatever. It’s been nagging at me for so long now. For longer than I care to remember. I just don’t know if I can properly explain it when I can hardly understand it myself. I’m just your average person, you know; nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary. I go through the same old shit as the next person. And it’s like, when I’m happy and in a good place, I try hold onto that as much as I can because when I get down, it’s really not good. Not to mention I have no idea how long either mood will last for. And it’s annoying because the switch between the two emotional places can happen so quickly that I’m not even aware of the change. It’s quite unnerving. I just wish sometimes that I could make it go away. Take something to make it go away. Do something to make it go away. But, I can’t. Because that would mean actually focusing on whatever it is and facing it. It’s so much easier to pretend that something doesn’t exist when you keep it to yourself. When you hold onto something private you can convince yourself it’s just a nightmare and that it will go away. But once you let other people in, it becomes real. So instead I lie to everyone. I lie to my friends and I lie to my family; I lie to myself. I make myself believe that it’s nothing but all in my head. I don’t lie because I want to keep a truth hidden. I lie because I don’t want it to be real. And it’s not even a deliberate lie because on the surface I have truly convinced myself it’s nothing. It amazes me how I’m so able to deceive myself. It’s only when I stop to really think about these things and analyse it that I realise what I’m really doing; putting up this facade and telling myself that it’s nothing more than some nightmare I’ll wake up from.
Ugh, and that’s pretty much all I can get out of my system right now… a whole bunch of nonsensical bullshit.
I feel like I just have to get this off my chest before it drives me insane, this weird sense of confusion or whatever. It’s been nagging at me for so long now. For longer than I care to remember. I just don’t know if I can properly explain it when I can hardly understand it myself. I’m just your average person, you know; nothing spectacular, nothing out of the ordinary. I go through the same old shit as the next person. And it’s like, when I’m happy and in a good place, I try hold onto that as much as I can because when I get down, it’s really not good. Not to mention I have no idea how long either mood will last for. And it’s annoying because the switch between the two emotional places can happen so quickly that I’m not even aware of the change. It’s quite unnerving. I just wish sometimes that I could make it go away. Take something to make it go away. Do something to make it go away. But, I can’t. Because that would mean actually focusing on whatever it is and facing it. It’s so much easier to pretend that something doesn’t exist when you keep it to yourself. When you hold onto something private you can convince yourself it’s just a nightmare and that it will go away. But once you let other people in, it becomes real. So instead I lie to everyone. I lie to my friends and I lie to my family; I lie to myself. I make myself believe that it’s nothing but all in my head. I don’t lie because I want to keep a truth hidden. I lie because I don’t want it to be real. And it’s not even a deliberate lie because on the surface I have truly convinced myself it’s nothing. It amazes me how I’m so able to deceive myself. It’s only when I stop to really think about these things and analyse it that I realise what I’m really doing; putting up this facade and telling myself that it’s nothing more than some nightmare I’ll wake up from.
Ugh, and that’s pretty much all I can get out of my system right now… a whole bunch of nonsensical bullshit.
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