Flashback

Okay, I just found this on my Windows Live profile thing from 2006.
I thought it was interesting.
And this is the exact reason why i write things. So that when I go back to them, even if they make no sense whatsoever to anyone else, I still remember.

Saturday 7 October , 2006
Slowly dying,
Grasping onto what I have left.
The desire to go on,
Trying your best,
Does nothing to ease the pain.
Dying efforts do nothing to make you better,
As everyone is sure to beat you.
Emotions running wild cause you to breakdown.
Hide your face, turn away,
Ashamed that you might be the only one.
They look at you as if you're faking,
But you don't care,
You know that you're trying the hardest.
Deep down, on the inside, you beat everyone,
But externally, there's just no way.
Towards the end, all you have is pride.
To know that you truly did all you could.
Nothing else matters, as you come to an end.
All goes quiet and calm,
And everything stops.
Except for your heartbeat,
Pounding harder and harder.
No more worries for now,
But tomorrow's another day...

Tuesday 19 December, 2006
Grrrr... I hate everything to do with swimming right now.
It TOTALLY sucks.
Last Friday, at 5.15AM, that's right 5.15, while the rest of the sane world was sleeping, my coach has a go at everyone. Me mainly becuase "I let the team down" "I always have to have someone else lead sets because I'm too lazy" Like I really give a shit.
Then he has a go at this other kid Cameron because Cam dropped the 5KG medicine ball. He said "You, Jyssica Keen and Dylan Warren will never get anywhere with the effort you put in" (Dylan is this other kid I swim with who wouldn't hurt a fly)
Like he knows how hard I try... I'll admit it, the last 2 months of training have been crap. I've been lacking all motivation and just don't wanna be there, but the last 2 weeks have been really good for me. I've been going 8 sessions, which is more than I usually go concidering the minimum amount of sessions we're meant to go to is 8.
But no, my effort doesn't mean anything to him.No matter what I do, it will never be any good.
I will never live up to his expectations.
He seems to notice all my mistakes but never takes any recognition of my achievments. Coz that is so fair isn't it?
I don't wanna quit swimming but I don't wanna do it anymore.
I don't see any point anymore.
I probably won't get anywhere with it, but I wanna see how far I can go.
But the pressure and expectations... I don't know if I can handle it all.